Thursday, October 22, 2015

9 Steps to Holistic Living (satire)

1. When you're born, don't get vaccines. Er, well, maybe we should, but not all of them, just the really important ones, but maybe not those either. So you know, just do the right thing and you'll start life going the right direction. Wait, oops...if you're reading this, it may be too late, so uh, maybe get a time machine and go back and tell your parents what they should have done.

2. Next, make sure your parents swaddle you (A.KA. baby burrito) at bedtime, laying face up. Or, if you think the doctors were right in the early 80s, ask to be set down on your stomach. Well, to be honest a few studies are questioning the whole swaddle thing so consider letting all your limbs hang out, but beware of other hanging things in doorways because Consumer Reports have concerns there.

3. Get breastfed. Have your parents read you lots of books. Make sure they do "tummy time," regular bathing (but not too much for fear of dry skin), and start brushing the second teeth might be coming. Be sure to throw out all those Baby Einstein videos because I guess that was a load of cra-. Of course, you might be allergic to breast milk or your mom might have not been able to help in that regard. You might as well cross out all Ivy League schools as future possibilities, but besides that you should be ok.

4. Be home schooled, or private schooled, or find a quality public school (probably in that order). Better yet, hire your own personal tutor from some Western European nation so you can learn multiple languages and pick up some much needed culture. Speaking of culture, beware of television, NASCAR, and all things Boy Band during your growing up years. If you get stuck in one of those normal public schools, just pray you get that one teacher who hasn't been brainwashed by the liberal establishment, the one who is there to subvert the evil plans laid out by Jimmy Carter in the late 70s. Speaking of Carter, pray for him; I think he's still a Democrat.

5. Whatever you do, don't play football. So many head injuries and such a beastly, 1st century gladiatorial spectacle that dehumanizes all things sacred. Play something more humane like soccer (a.k.a. 'football' to every other country on the planet...I might add if you could live in any of these other countries you are probably better off since every U.S. politician seems to try and make sure the USA becomes less like the USA and more like them--which admittedly is kind of weird since most countries look to the U.S. to be like us, hmm, my head hurts which makes me think of football, sports, oh year...Back to soccer). Clearly, a game watched by billions, involving hardly any safety equipment, sometimes culminating in physical violence among players, referees, and fans, is a much more respectable and safe sport than football.

6. Beware of popular culture. No TV, no movies, drop Netflix, internet filters must be everywhere, no Harry Potter, and a thorough aversion to Disney will keep you on the straight and narrow. For a minimum, please avoid reality television (especially Donald Trump's The Apprentice)--it severely distorts your ability to understand reality. But while we are on the subject, pray for Donald Trump; I think he's still a Republican. Now, that I'm thinking about it, pray for the Republicans because Donald Trump is still Donald Trump.

7. Beginning around age 4, you should start preparing to apply for college. Buy all hard copy books at Barnes and Noble and online software related to improving your ACT score. Volunteer out of the goodness of your heart to all sorts of places, but make sure they are organizations scholarship committees look upon with favor. Be amazing at art, a 4-sport letter winner, sing like a lark, and speak 4 languages, and then when you get to high school, try and do better.

8. Avoid Monster energy drinks, but any energy drink from a pyramid scheme (cough), I mean a friend's small business, is ok. Avoid buying in bulk from evil places like Sam's Club, but Amway has the blessing of God so you should be fine there. You could exercise regularly to stay healthy, but it might be easier just to drink down the powders and pills, wrap the stomach, and wear the electrical shocking equipment to keep you looking fit.

9. Be religious, but avoid Christianity. It's popular to be a religious atheist or agnostic so feel free to go with the flow. Islam is a peaceful religion and a good option. Those Hindu and Buddhist countries known for military dictatorships, human trafficking and exploitation really have religion figured out so consider that too. All else fails, having multiple gods and goddess might pan out in a pinch. Christians, however, are all narrow-minded bigots who preach forgiveness, grace, truth, and beauty. It sounds too good to be true--keep a particularly close eye on any Baptist who reads their Bible and tries to talk to you about their beliefs.



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