Sunday, January 01, 2017

(Satire) Piper Doubts Your Salvation without Edwardian-like Resolutions

Minneapolis, MN: Desiring God Ministries recently posted John Piper's "New Year's Resolutions for Real Christians." Here are Dr. Piper's thoughts:

#1: Resolutions without hyphenated expressions like 'gospel-centered dieting' and 'Christ-exalting exercise plan' will unlikely be successful.

#2: You do not have to turn to that New Age Pilates or Yoga for 2017. A new DG video set now includes spliced video clips from my most animated sermons. If you mimic all my gestures, hand raising, and intense body poses, you'll lose weight and taste God's joy for all peoples.

#3: This year's Bethlehem Conference for Pastors will host several seminars on resolution-making for the New Calvinist. The titles of these seminars are as follows: "Divine Sovereignty and Human Resolutions," "Dare to be Not like Driscoll," and "DeYoung and Restless Resolutions for the Rest of Us."

#4: If reading a book by a Catholic, known Arminian, or supposed liberal is listed in your 2017 resolutions, you should test yourselves again to see if you are truly in the faith.

#5: Resolutions that lack an action-plan for world missions, praying for every country in Operation World, and planning for an early-retirement that allows for missions work in closed countries, will be considered suspect.

#6: Any resolution not fronted with "If the Lord wills," is clearly heretical, invalid, and lacking of spiritual discernment.

#7: Since Jonathan Edwards is the litmus test for true Christianity, a minimum of 70 resolutions should be listed for 2017.


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